Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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