Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
why do cheetos always look like penises
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Randomize
