piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
