i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
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