Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
