fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
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