allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
