I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
