trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
The beer is more important than you right now.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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