I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize
