He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
