I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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