1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
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