im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Randomize
