It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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