Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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