I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
im holly from the hills drunk
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
