i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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