I'm so fucking centered right now
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
