i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
