I could make wine with my vomit
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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