Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
