Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
