Umm I'm too high to move.
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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