rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
