3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
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