I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Randomize