Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
