there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
