i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
