his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Randomize