Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
