I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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