i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
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