why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
