Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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