do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Vodka?
Forever.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
