oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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