I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Even the bartender felt bad for me
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
