Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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