My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Randomize
