i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Text me some of your sweat
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