Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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