You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
why do cheetos always look like penises
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
