you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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