just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
