I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Randomize
