I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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