Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
