my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
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