Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
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