My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Randomize
