You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
