the new term for farting is butt boxing.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
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